From my 2 years of living here I've compiled a few DOs and DON'Ts of Nigerian culture and stuff like that. Let the information commence!
Rule 1-Whatever you do don't bring Fido
This rule is extremely important-if you're trying to meet a Nigerian don't bring a dog along with you! All that you'll see of him/her is the dust he/she kicked up after running away from you like a maniac. It's a very big fear! I bet that if you put a dog in your trunk and there was a police checkpoint up ahead of you the minute they hear that dog bark they'll keep five miles away from you. This is one of the most important rules. Not the most important but way up there.
Rule 2-Do Not Trash Talk Nigeria
This is a weird one. What you're probably saying is "why would I ever dream of insulting a Nigerian's country?" But lemme warn you: Nigerians are complainers. THEY can complain about their country but not you. They are a very prideful people and they will not take any Mr./Ms. Foreigner complaining crap. Here's an example. Let's say that you had just arrived in Ibadan from an airport in Lagos. A Nigerian was asking how your trip from Lagos was and you say politely that the road was a little bumpy but other than that it was fine:
NIGERIAN: You know! The roads--Ah, they are so bad--My God!
YOU: *Nods quietly in agreement*
NIGERIAN: Honestly. It is the government's fault; nothing gets done here! Our politicians are so corrupt.
YOU: Well my country (insert home country here)'s politics isn't so nice either.
NIGERIAN: No no no no--you do not know Nigeria yet! Nigeria-AH!-it's so corrupt--did you know that (Nigerian Politician) just took (Large sum) of Naira only (Recent date)?! Oh God...I don't know what will happen to this country...
YOU: Yeah, there is a lot more corruptness here than I'm used to I guess.
NIGERIAN: *Pauses* Do not insult my country in front of me. This is Nigeria, you're not in (your home country) anymore! This is Nigeria! Are you a Nigerian? You are not! I mean...
And so on. So Rule #2 is a huge one. DO NOT FORGET IT.
Rule 3-You Gotta Like Soccer
Actually not only do you have to like soccer you gotta like either Manchester Utd. or Arsenal or Chelsea. That's the end of it. Nigerians are crazy about those three teams. I have no idea why but yeah. You HAVE to like soccer. In America when things get dull you ask "so how about them Yankees?" In Nigeria you ask "so how about them Chelsea?" Got it? Good. I believe that if you wanted to you could scientifically prove that no matter what topic of conversation you start out with when talking with a Nigerian, you are going to end up talking about soccer. That's it. Oh one more thing-if you're from America you can't call soccer soccer. You have to say football okay? It's what the rest of the Earth says when talking about the sport. So what do they call Superbowl football then? They call it American football. After all of this information has sunk in go on to the next rule.
Rule 4-Exaggeration is Key
Okay here's a situation: you're watching TV after you just landed in Nigeria and you're in the Oriental Hotel. Suddenly with shock you remember that you're late for a very important meeting! You get dressed hurriedly and you're rushing out the door. Your cellphone starts ringing so you answer it. It's the person you're meeting on the line: "Hello? Where are you?" What do you do?
A: You say with an apologetic tone, "Sorry I'm going to be a little late!"
B: You hang up. Then you take the battery out of your cellphone.
C: You say as you put your underwear on: "I'm already here! Can't you see me waving at you?" Then you hang up and continue watching Mythbusters.
D: You ask the person if they could wait for just a smidge longer and if they can't then you'd just have to reschedule.
If you picked A then you haven't been in Nigeria long enough. If you picked D then you just need to go back to wherever you came from. If you picked B that's an okay move--but the best is C. C is your greatest choice because Nigerians love doing this. If somebody asks you where you are you just say "I'm coming" then continue your 8 hour nap. No harm done because the thing is, is that the Nigerian that your supposed to be meeting up with would do the same thing to you so they kind of don't mind. Speaking of being late that brings us to the last rule for now, rule number 5:
Rule 5-Set Your Mind to Nigerian Time
If you don't set your mind on Nigerian Time you will not be able to survive. It is impossible to do anything productive in Nigeria without being on Nigerian time. I made a simple formula so you know what Nigerian time is: an event (variable e) is multiplied by how important it is (variable i) to give you the excess time (variable t). So add t to the real time (variable r) and you get the Nigerian Time (variable n). So:
t + r = n
(e + i) = t
Here's a for the base values that e can be:
Birthday Party = e = 30 minutes
Wedding = e = 1 hour
Presentation = e = 1 hour and 30 minutes
Here's an example of the formula in action. You know that your friend's Nigerian Time birthday is going to start at around 12:00 PM. She's a rather popular person and a lot of people are coming. Her importance is high. Therefore:
(30 + 30) = 1 hour
1 hour + 12:00 PM = 1:00 PM
You should set out for your friend's birthday party at around 12:55. Now this is extremely timely for Nigerian standards. Sometimes you need to tweak the values of i and e but usually the result time is at least r + 1 hour. In normal English though what I mean is that no matter what you do come to a Nigerian Time event one hour late because you'll be early. Paradoxical Paradox!!!
That's all I have for now but this was really fun for me to write up. Who knows; maybe I'll make another soon!
Signing off,
The Traveler
Rule 1-Whatever you do don't bring Fido
This rule is extremely important-if you're trying to meet a Nigerian don't bring a dog along with you! All that you'll see of him/her is the dust he/she kicked up after running away from you like a maniac. It's a very big fear! I bet that if you put a dog in your trunk and there was a police checkpoint up ahead of you the minute they hear that dog bark they'll keep five miles away from you. This is one of the most important rules. Not the most important but way up there.
Rule 2-Do Not Trash Talk Nigeria
This is a weird one. What you're probably saying is "why would I ever dream of insulting a Nigerian's country?" But lemme warn you: Nigerians are complainers. THEY can complain about their country but not you. They are a very prideful people and they will not take any Mr./Ms. Foreigner complaining crap. Here's an example. Let's say that you had just arrived in Ibadan from an airport in Lagos. A Nigerian was asking how your trip from Lagos was and you say politely that the road was a little bumpy but other than that it was fine:
NIGERIAN: You know! The roads--Ah, they are so bad--My God!
YOU: *Nods quietly in agreement*
NIGERIAN: Honestly. It is the government's fault; nothing gets done here! Our politicians are so corrupt.
YOU: Well my country (insert home country here)'s politics isn't so nice either.
NIGERIAN: No no no no--you do not know Nigeria yet! Nigeria-AH!-it's so corrupt--did you know that (Nigerian Politician) just took (Large sum) of Naira only (Recent date)?! Oh God...I don't know what will happen to this country...
YOU: Yeah, there is a lot more corruptness here than I'm used to I guess.
NIGERIAN: *Pauses* Do not insult my country in front of me. This is Nigeria, you're not in (your home country) anymore! This is Nigeria! Are you a Nigerian? You are not! I mean...
And so on. So Rule #2 is a huge one. DO NOT FORGET IT.
Rule 3-You Gotta Like Soccer
Actually not only do you have to like soccer you gotta like either Manchester Utd. or Arsenal or Chelsea. That's the end of it. Nigerians are crazy about those three teams. I have no idea why but yeah. You HAVE to like soccer. In America when things get dull you ask "so how about them Yankees?" In Nigeria you ask "so how about them Chelsea?" Got it? Good. I believe that if you wanted to you could scientifically prove that no matter what topic of conversation you start out with when talking with a Nigerian, you are going to end up talking about soccer. That's it. Oh one more thing-if you're from America you can't call soccer soccer. You have to say football okay? It's what the rest of the Earth says when talking about the sport. So what do they call Superbowl football then? They call it American football. After all of this information has sunk in go on to the next rule.
Rule 4-Exaggeration is Key
Okay here's a situation: you're watching TV after you just landed in Nigeria and you're in the Oriental Hotel. Suddenly with shock you remember that you're late for a very important meeting! You get dressed hurriedly and you're rushing out the door. Your cellphone starts ringing so you answer it. It's the person you're meeting on the line: "Hello? Where are you?" What do you do?
A: You say with an apologetic tone, "Sorry I'm going to be a little late!"
B: You hang up. Then you take the battery out of your cellphone.
C: You say as you put your underwear on: "I'm already here! Can't you see me waving at you?" Then you hang up and continue watching Mythbusters.
D: You ask the person if they could wait for just a smidge longer and if they can't then you'd just have to reschedule.
If you picked A then you haven't been in Nigeria long enough. If you picked D then you just need to go back to wherever you came from. If you picked B that's an okay move--but the best is C. C is your greatest choice because Nigerians love doing this. If somebody asks you where you are you just say "I'm coming" then continue your 8 hour nap. No harm done because the thing is, is that the Nigerian that your supposed to be meeting up with would do the same thing to you so they kind of don't mind. Speaking of being late that brings us to the last rule for now, rule number 5:
Rule 5-Set Your Mind to Nigerian Time
If you don't set your mind on Nigerian Time you will not be able to survive. It is impossible to do anything productive in Nigeria without being on Nigerian time. I made a simple formula so you know what Nigerian time is: an event (variable e) is multiplied by how important it is (variable i) to give you the excess time (variable t). So add t to the real time (variable r) and you get the Nigerian Time (variable n). So:
t + r = n
(e + i) = t
Here's a for the base values that e can be:
Birthday Party = e = 30 minutes
Wedding = e = 1 hour
Presentation = e = 1 hour and 30 minutes
Here's an example of the formula in action. You know that your friend's Nigerian Time birthday is going to start at around 12:00 PM. She's a rather popular person and a lot of people are coming. Her importance is high. Therefore:
(30 + 30) = 1 hour
1 hour + 12:00 PM = 1:00 PM
You should set out for your friend's birthday party at around 12:55. Now this is extremely timely for Nigerian standards. Sometimes you need to tweak the values of i and e but usually the result time is at least r + 1 hour. In normal English though what I mean is that no matter what you do come to a Nigerian Time event one hour late because you'll be early. Paradoxical Paradox!!!
That's all I have for now but this was really fun for me to write up. Who knows; maybe I'll make another soon!
Signing off,
The Traveler
