How to Not Look Like a Jerk in Nigeria 2

I said I'd make another one and I wasn't lying. Here we go, we're starting with Rule #6!

Rule #6 - Pure Water is NOT Pure Water!!!

A Nigerian you've been talking with talks about how it's really hot today. You agree, and ask if you could get something to drink. The Nigerian brings back a small plastic sack. Inside is water. Whatever you do DON'T DRINK IT. UNLESS if you're from here! It's very important! This water is called Pure Water and it's anything but pure. The hundreds of companies that make this so called Pure Water suck dirty water out of a borehole and use a rudimentary filtration system. Most of the bacteria stays in there. Every time we've been forced to drink Pure Water since we've been here we've gotten sick. Now the reason I say it's okay for Nigerians to drink is because their bodies are used to it and they won't start puking. My Dad's Nigerian too but he can't drink it because he's lived in America for a while. Besides Pure Water didn't exist in Nigeria back in the 70s and 80s. Seriously this is something you should remember, unless you're planning on staying here for a long while and you're gonna have to drink Pure Water frequently. It's better just to get your body used to it if this is the case.

Rule #7 - Don't Buy Anything

This is a little bit of an exaggeration. What I mean to say is don't buy anything if you don't have a lot of money in your pocket. The thing is this: you're a foreigner. Nigerians can spot foreigners from five hundred miles away with their eyes blindfolded while hanging upside-down in a rapidly flowing river. If you hear somebody shout "oyibo!" at you then you know you've been spotted. Any minute now you're gonna be sniped down by horrible prices. In Nigeria a lot of products don't have any price tags on them. Because of this haggling is the benevolent overlord. People haggle everywhere; sometimes when Nigerians come to America and places like that they even miss it. I personally am not a huge fan of it but it's all about personal preference really. Anyway, because you're a foreigner, if you ask the owner for a shop for an item that should be 100 Naira, the price will skyrocket to 500 Naira. They think you have a lot of money. For example:

YOU: (points at a 50 centiliter bottle of Coke) How much is this?

OWNER: (smiles) 750 Naira!

YOU: (ignorant to the real price so you smile back) Thanks! (you slap the money down and you take your Coke)

NIGERIAN: (turns to owner after staring at this strange foreigner) Hey, my brother! (turns to you) Oyibo!

YOU: (confused so you just nod as you sip your coke)

NIGERIAN: (turns back to owner) Big Coca-Cola.

OWNER: 500 Naira.

YOU: (mouth drops)

You see what I mean? This sort of scene has happened to us a billion times. Of course in this example a 250 Naira price difference isn't much in currencies like the USD or the Euro (do a conversion in Wolfram|Alpha) but it's all about the principle. What if you're buying something much more expensive than a Coke? Like a lawnmower? So you gotta stick up for what you know is the right price!

Rule #8 - There are Code Words...

You go to a restaurant. You ask for the choice of food (nobody has menus). The Nigerian waiter says: "Egba, Amala, Rice." You know that Egba is not a dish, it's what you use to eat soups. You don't wanna eat egba plain so you go for the rice:

YOU: Um...(taps thigh) I guess I'll have rice.

WAITER: (turns away without another word)

After waiting for 300 hours your food arrives. You're surprised; you got a reddish colored rice which is extremely spicy!

YOU: Uh, I asked for rice.

WAITER: Yes.

YOU: (hesitates) You know...just regular rice.

WAITER: (glares) Yes.

YOU: I just wanted white rice.

WAITER: I got you rice! What else do you want me to do, now?!

YOU: (not wanting the waiter to scream again, you ask for some meat) What type of meat do you have?

WAITER: We have Meat.

YOU: Yes...but what types?

WAITER: Meat.

YOU: Yes, but--

WAITER: We have Meat, Meat!

YOU: (breaks down crying)

Guess what? It's not the waiter's fault; it's yours. You don't know the Nigerian code words! So therefore you were confusing yourself and the waiter. The first mistake you made was thinking that "Egba" meant "Egba by itself". "Egba" actually means "Egba with any soup we have ready at the moment." The second mistake you made was that you believed that "rice" meant "white rice". If you say to a Nigerian that you're going to have plain white rice for lunch they'll take you to an asylum. "Rice" has pretty much the same meaning as "Egba" which means that they'll give you whatever rice they have. The third mistake you made was misunderstanding "Meat" to mean "meat". You see where I'm going here? No you don't. "Meat" means "beef". Threw a curveball on that one, didn't I? There are a lot of different code words in Nigeria, I don't know them all and I've been here for two years! You'll learn them the more you talk to people.

Rule #9 - Cellphone Etiquette

When Nigerians talk to other Nigerians on the cellphone (nobody owns traditional phones) they have a unique way of doing it. In the future it might be named the "Are You There?" technique. When Nigerians believe that their phone signal is weak they will scream at the top of their lungs "ARE YOU THERE?!?!" to anybody on the other line. This isn't the peculiar part. What's interesting is that they take the cellphone away from their ear and bring the lower half to their mouth so they can scream with maximum loudness. So it's so ingrained in the culture even when their phone signal is good they scream into the phone and do the mouth tilt thing. So they'll go back and forth; when the person on the other line's talking, they put the cellphone back to their ear, but when it's their turn to talk, they put the phone up to their mouth and start hollering. This is considered the proper thing to do when you think that the phone signal is weak.

Something else that is very important in the Nigerian phone culture is what is called "flashing". Flashing is when you call the person and then hang up in less than a second, not giving the other person anytime to receive the call. Before I explain why they do this (it's not a prank call), let me explain what "credit" is. Credit it what everyone calls the minutes you put on your cell phone. You for example if you put 1,000 Naira credit on your cellphone your account has 1,000 Naira in it. Every minute you spend on the phone might suck like--I don't know--1 Naira? So that's how it works. Now here's why Flashing happens--the person who flashes is tight and they want you to spend your money on the conversation instead of them. Because some people don't want to spend up their credit they flash. You see whoever calls the other is the one who's credit is getting depleted. They started the conversation. So you flash someone else to tell them "hey, call me!". It's kinda selfish but that's how it works! It's also considered rude if you pick up lightning quick when someone's trying to flash. Cellphone culture...fascinating stuff.

Rule #10 - Don't Drive a Rusted Car From 20 Years Ago

If you do the police'll bully you so bad...Every checkpoint you pass they'll bother you asking you for money. All the police really want is money but the thing is that they pick on people who drive broken down cars because they're too afraid to harass the people driving those big bad SUVs. The reason why is because what if the person in that SUV is a governor? And that governor is their half-brother's mother's father's sister's brother's uncle's aunt's friend of a friend's acquaintance? Then because of that the governor will bully their family and their family will bully the police. They don't want that. So drive SUVs! Also it helps to look angry with the window rolled up--that really scares them! >:-D

Thanks for reading these 10 rules. This definitely won't be the end of them! But these ones are just as important as the last ones so READ BOTH.

Signing off,
The Traveler

P.S. It's my sister's birthday today! She's turning 10.

The Internet

Since being here because of us lacking in internet connectivity I have been able to realize how much we depend on the internet.
In America I did not think about internet connections. It was the last thing that I would have ever thought about. But amazingly I was accessing the internet all of the time. The connection part became almost invisible. Now though I notice our internet a lot because it usually doesn't work anyway. We're happy when we get 45 kilobytes per second! For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that Facebook can take ages to load. Fortunately the speeds have been improving over the months yet I still remember when we first came here and we could barely ever access the internet. And now Microsoft has released a public beta for their next version of Windows: Windows 8. I'm using it right now. And now that I'm using the new features I can see that in a few years from now the difference between the internet and real-life will blur until there will be no separation. Almost all of the features in this new Windows uses internet to retrieve information. Even the replacer of Windows Media Player, the Music App, uses the internet so you can buy songs right in your music library! What next?! And what's next for countries like Nigeria where getting access to a high speed internet connection is a very hard feat? Will they be left in the dust, not able to access information as quickly and easily as the rest of the world? Hopefully the internet connection will keep on getting faster or else...it won't be good.

Signing off,
The Traveler

How to Not Look Like a Jerk in Nigeria

From my 2 years of living here I've compiled a few DOs and DON'Ts of Nigerian culture and stuff like that. Let the information commence!

Rule 1-Whatever you do don't bring Fido

This rule is extremely important-if you're trying to meet a Nigerian don't bring a dog along with you! All that you'll see of him/her is the dust he/she kicked up after running away from you like a maniac. It's a very big fear! I bet that if you put a dog in your trunk and there was a police checkpoint up ahead of you the minute they hear that dog bark they'll keep five miles away from you. This is one of the most important rules. Not the most important but way up there.

Rule 2-Do Not Trash Talk Nigeria

This is a weird one. What you're probably saying is "why would I ever dream of insulting a Nigerian's country?" But lemme warn you: Nigerians are complainers. THEY can complain about their country but not you. They are a very prideful people and they will not take any Mr./Ms. Foreigner complaining crap. Here's an example. Let's say that you had just arrived in Ibadan from an airport in Lagos. A Nigerian was asking how your trip from Lagos was and you say politely that the road was a little bumpy but other than that it was fine:

NIGERIAN: You know! The roads--Ah, they are so bad--My God!

YOU: *Nods quietly in agreement*

NIGERIAN: Honestly. It is the government's fault; nothing gets done here! Our politicians are so corrupt.

YOU: Well my country (insert home country here)'s politics isn't so nice either.

NIGERIAN: No no no no--you do not know Nigeria yet! Nigeria-AH!-it's so corrupt--did you know that (Nigerian Politician) just took (Large sum) of Naira only (Recent date)?! Oh God...I don't know what will happen to this country...

YOU: Yeah, there is a lot more corruptness here than I'm used to I guess.

NIGERIAN: *Pauses* Do not insult my country in front of me. This is Nigeria, you're not in (your home country) anymore! This is Nigeria! Are you a Nigerian? You are not! I mean...

And so on. So Rule #2 is a huge one. DO NOT FORGET IT.

Rule 3-You Gotta Like Soccer

Actually not only do you have to like soccer you gotta like either Manchester Utd. or Arsenal or Chelsea. That's the end of it. Nigerians are crazy about those three teams. I have no idea why but yeah. You HAVE to like soccer. In America when things get dull you ask "so how about them Yankees?" In Nigeria you ask "so how about them Chelsea?" Got it? Good. I believe that if you wanted to you could scientifically prove that no matter what topic of conversation you start out with when talking with a Nigerian, you are going to end up talking about soccer. That's it. Oh one more thing-if you're from America you can't call soccer soccer. You have to say football okay? It's what the rest of the Earth says when talking about the sport. So what do they call Superbowl football then? They call it American football. After all of this information has sunk in go on to the next rule.

Rule 4-Exaggeration is Key

Okay here's a situation: you're watching TV after you just landed in Nigeria and you're in the Oriental Hotel. Suddenly with shock you remember that you're late for a very important meeting! You get dressed hurriedly and you're rushing out the door. Your cellphone starts ringing so you answer it. It's the person you're meeting on the line: "Hello? Where are you?" What do you do?

A: You say with an apologetic tone, "Sorry I'm going to be a little late!"

B: You hang up. Then you take the battery out of your cellphone.

C: You say as you put your underwear on: "I'm already here! Can't you see me waving at you?" Then you hang up and continue watching Mythbusters.

D: You ask the person if they could wait for just a smidge longer and if they can't then you'd just have to reschedule.

If you picked A then you haven't been in Nigeria long enough. If you picked D then you just need to go back to wherever you came from. If you picked B that's an okay move--but the best is C. C is your greatest choice because Nigerians love doing this. If somebody asks you where you are you just say "I'm coming" then continue your 8 hour nap. No harm done because the thing is, is that the Nigerian that your supposed to be meeting up with would do the same thing to you so they kind of don't mind. Speaking of being late that brings us to the last rule for now, rule number 5:

Rule 5-Set Your Mind to Nigerian Time

If you don't set your mind on Nigerian Time you will not be able to survive. It is impossible to do anything productive in Nigeria without being on Nigerian time. I made a simple formula so you know what Nigerian time is: an event (variable e) is multiplied by how important it is (variable i) to give you the excess time (variable t). So add t to the real time (variable r) and you get the Nigerian Time (variable n). So:

t + r = n

(e + i) = t

Here's a for the base values that e can be:

Birthday Party = e = 30 minutes
Wedding = e = 1 hour
Presentation = e = 1 hour and 30 minutes

Here's an example of the formula in action. You know that your friend's Nigerian Time birthday is going to start at around 12:00 PM. She's a rather popular person and a lot of people are coming. Her importance is high. Therefore:

(30 + 30) = 1 hour

1 hour + 12:00 PM = 1:00 PM

You should set out for your friend's birthday party at around 12:55. Now this is extremely timely for Nigerian standards. Sometimes you need to tweak the values of i and e but usually the result time is at least r + 1 hour. In normal English though what I mean is that no matter what you do come to a Nigerian Time event one hour late because you'll be early. Paradoxical Paradox!!!

That's all I have for now but this was really fun for me to write up. Who knows; maybe I'll make another soon!

Signing off,
The Traveler

Rock Cakes are Rocky

My birthday's coming up soon.

It's on April 28th. My sister's is April 27th. She's four years younger than me...paradoxical paradox. But anyway we're having a joint birthday party. We're having it at this restaurant in Osogbo called Ostrich Bakery with breads muffins and all of that sort of stuff. But what I really want from them is a birthday cake. Problem is though is that we're afraid. You see, most of the cakes that we've had here in Nigeria are so crappy it's unbelievable. I must have made a post about that somewhere. Seriously though they are bad. About two years ago my Dad had gotten somebody to bake a chocolate cake for my Mom's birthday. He would've done it himself but we didn't and still don't have a working oven. So the place he went to get it done was on OAU, in the department that deals with baking and chemistry and all that stuff. The woman that was making it for us promised us that the chocolate cake would be moist and delicious. She said she knew baking like the back of her hand! So we were super happy when we took the cake back home and saw how great the icing looked and all that junk. So we were gonna let my Mom cut the cake. At first we thought she was playing; she kept trying to push the knife through the cake. My Dad had to go and push as hard as he could for it finally to give way. That was when we knew something was wrong. I didn't have any of it but my family said it tasted something like hard rock earth. Yeah. So we're not taking chances anymore. Before we agreed to anything this time we asked for a sample of one of their cakes at the Ostrich Bakery. The man who we were talking to assured us that this cake is a lot softer than the normal Nigerian ones. We tried it and we wondered if Nigerians had a sense of taste. :( Luckily we found another type which is somewhat better, so we're telling the Ostrich Bakery people to make that. What's with the rock cakes?!

Signing off,
The Traveler